Wednesday, May 14, 2008 246th post. if you know me well enof u will know why i purposely put hte number dere. hahas. gotta do wif psle de lar. anyway i was lyk suepr super acurate today. guessed i will failed. and guess wad. i did. seeing most of the people's sad and sorrow faces after getting back the exam scripts makes me think of why this world goes like that. you mug so hard for exams and turns out that your results are not as high as you had expected. and in turn your day becomes horrible. so what's the point of taking exam in the first place. to torture ourselves eventually when the results are out? i guess this world just works like this. we are borned into this world to enjoy life. but end up, even in kindergartens we have exams. and nowadays this whole world is getting more and more competitive, resulting in this cruel world which shows no compassion and kindness at all. why is this so? due to the kaisu-ness of lotsa parents nowadays, well, they may sometimes not be blamed, cos they want the best for their children, but nevertheless , this horrible cycle goes on and on and on... now, even when someone scores a 79% when others are failing, they claim they they score very low. is it cos they're modest or is it just that they hv very very low self esteem and expect highly of themselves. why is this world becoming more and more realistic. so get a place in society, one has to have that piece of paper, which indirectly entitiles you to a extrovagent lifestyle, with servants, cars, and good meals everyday. these people are indeeed smart and intellegent to make it to the top universities to study their degrees, but think about it this way. how many of them actually live thier life happily? or how many of them actually have good personalities and stuff. since young we're taught many things, like how to behave and how to treat others nicely. how many of this things are actually useful in that sense that it allows you to have a good future? actually none. nowadays, this world that we live in only cares about that piece of paper. we slogged our hearts out to study and pass our exams just for that certificate. but for what? that is a ques that no one has an answer for. when you decide to study really really hard and you put in extra efforts, you of cos in turn expect good results. but what happens if you dont? you stare at the exam paper in disbelief and try to spot any calculation errors. then you start to look around at others marks. if they're higher, you will jus turn away and say nothing, but secretly you're sobbing and blaming yourself for not being able to achieve the same grades. this whole thing will jus reverse itself again and again. seeing so many people crying after getting bak the papers really makes this question appear in my mind. why do we work so hard to get that piece of paper. WHY?! i suppose you are very interested in knowing how much i scored. which i will post it later in the post. anyway, i actually kindda expected this kind of results with the fact that i have not been studyin as hard jus cos of the competitions, and plenty of other things too. i've been thinking. sometimes when i get bak my results, natuarally my results will never be the highest in class, unlike pri sch when i can top the class wif chinese and higher chinese easily. and when the postitions come out in mid year and end of year, the position would be single digit. and it has always been in the top 5. but when i come to rgs, i found out, that there are actually many many more people that are better and smarter than me even though i'm more hardworking than them. its jus like a reverse thing compared to pri sch. i finaly realised how my friends feel whenever we get back our results. they have worked equally hard, or perheaps harder just to find out that my marks are easily 5 to 10 marks higher. it is the reverse to how i am feeling now. i'm really doubting my capabilities now. last year it was alrite and my reuslts were all ok. but this year, i really dunno wad is happening to me. i am barely passing all my subjects, so far i have failed two and jus pass at least 8 or more papers. why? is it cos i am inconsistent? or is it jus that i'm plain stupid and dumb? i'm really starting to feel small and dumb. although many would console me by saying that its ok cos my sch is good or wadeva, but why. if i really can study in this sch means i'm capable enough rite? then why am i struggling thru so many subjects? i have lost all my confidence in exams cos i have really high hopes for myself. i suppose this is why i feel so disappointed with myself. my eyes are now red from crying, but that dosent help at all. everytime i think back at what i have been doing the past month, i start to hate myself. many i should haves start appearing and i really regret it bitterly. jus like how i decided to come to this school. thanks goodness this feeling is not as bad, cos i still have term 3 and 4 to work hard towards. but my secondary school is sorta fixed and almost nothing can change it. not even 3 accpetance into other secondary schools. i'm really at a lost now, to wad sch should i cont or go to. these few weeks have been a disaster. although i may look cheerful and happy, but deep down i'm jus as weak. i've given many thoughts over the choices i have made in rgs. and the conclusion is almost all of them are WRONG. yes. wrong. the only comforting thing is the two wonderful classes and classmates i have for the past two years. thanks to all those that made my day. including those that cheered me up or even reply to my sms really made me treasure you all more. thanks a lot. wrong choices are unavoidable in life i must say, but why is it that i am making them one after another. first i must say it my school. nxt is my cca. after that is my mindset about trgs. then it was the year i'm borned in. and finally is the wrong choices i have made, and trusted the wrong people wif the wrong stuff. why is all this happening me me and me alone. why? the feeling of people backstabbing and talkin about you behind your back is realy really painful. you treat them as friends and they do all these to you. WHY? i really dont understand. jus what have i done wrong can you all please tell me. i'm sick and tired of the pretendance and reluctance from you all, so can you all just show your true colours. i cant even get on with my life as usual nowadays. firstly the people around me are all very smart and stuff, and when they say their results are very bad, it is always higher than mine. and no offence, but i cant stand it cos they start tearing in front of me when my resutls are lyk ten times lousier than them. i hate it. why don you all just go away and stop actin in front of me. nxt the people around me are lyk becoming closer and closer with each other. i'm not getting jealous as i really don care, but must you keep repeating it everywhere or everytime i see you. i really dont care and i have no more brain cells to worry about this kind of things. i wanna be alone, but everytime i think about it, i cant do things alone. not even take the bus home. why. cos man are sociable. i suppose that's why discrimination and alienation even exist, as some people that are very cunning and self centered just like to arouse and attract attention to themselves by either associating themselves with people from the oppsite gender or making themselves appear nice and kind or start getting closer to people that has a say in things or even start pretending to care for others. i really duno why. and i'm too tired and exhausted to think about all these. i'm off to do my geog pt and i will post my results tmr or later. bye for now |
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